Helping Your Child Deal With Anger


Dr. A,
My fourteen-year-old stepdaughter recently came to live with her mother and me. She had been living with her dad for years but they had a huge argument and he sent her to live with us. Her father has not spoken to her since she moved out. My stepdaughter is very confused, hurt and angry because she doesn't understand why her father has not even called her. She is angry at the world and is acting out against her mother and me. Our question is...how do we help my stepdaughter cope with the decision her father has made to have no contact with his daughter?

--Step dad needing help in Mebane.


Like most fourteen year olds, your stepdaughter is hypersensitive about almost everything in life, especially what she perceives to be a personal rejection by either friends at school or family members. One reason is because children in the mid-teen years still want to be accepted for who they are while still growing into the uniqueness of their own individual identity. Some days, they don't even like themselves! So, first of all, don't internalize her immature acting out to displace her anger toward her father on to you and her mother. It is one of those situations in raising children where their actions are understandable but inexcusable.

This situation is an opportunity for your stepdaughter to learn that personal rejection is a part of life and the process of growing up. She needs to know that both of you have empathy (not sympathy) and understand her upset feelings toward her biological father, but that it is no reason to take her anger out on both of you. You have graciously taken her into your home, provided for her living necessities as well as her emotional need for unconditional love. All children need the inner security of knowing they are loved and accepted for who they are as individuals while understanding that any inappropriate behaviors will not be tolerated as indicated by fair, reasonable, and consistent consequences. This approach separates her personhood of being from her unacceptable actions due to poor judgment or immaturity.

In essence, your stepdaughter needs to understand that none of us can always control what happens to us in life, but we can control our reactions to various unpredictable events, no matter how unfair. This ability is often tough for adults but you and her mother need to model this important lesson for her by not becoming negative toward the inexplicable rejection of your stepdaughter by her father. Give her the emotional/psychological sanctuary of support, love, and understanding while also expecting her to be grateful, civil, and respectful in your home. Neither of you created the negative relationship between your stepdaughter and her dad, nor are you accountable or responsible for patching things up between them. In this regard, it is important that the terms of the legal agreement for joint custody be revisited and upheld or any child can play two households like a ping-pong ball depending on their unpredictable and manipulative mood swings.

Since I don't know the legal terms of the custody agreement between her natural father and mother, I would still recommend a temporary cooling off period; then, if necessary, contact your wife's divorce attorney if her dad has made no move toward reconciliation with his daughter, which may be in violation of the original custody agreement. Or there may be grounds for a new custody arrangement, which may end up before a judge if her mom and dad are not in agreement. In the meantime, you and your wife need to parent your stepdaughter with acceptance, love, and understanding within the reasonable structure of expectations for appropriate conduct and civility in your home. Like most children, she may not like it, but she'll appreciate your intentions to help her as she grows into enough maturity in the future to eventually thank you.